A Scare

A week ago Wednesday, I went for a routine mammogram. The next day, I received a call that they had seen something on the mammogram, and they wanted me to come back for a "spot compression" that would give them a closer look. The appointment was made for yesterday, the 27th.

 

I won't keep you guessing...nothing at all was seen on the re-exam.

 

But I'd like to tell you about my emotional state during the week leading up to the re-exam.

 

Now, I'm a Christian. I know that my sins are covered by the blood of Christ and that, when my body dies, my spirit will be very much alive in His presence. I also know that, in the words of a popular Christian song of many years ago, nothing can happen to me today without passing through my Father's hands.

 

Nevertheless, I experienced some anxiety during that week. One obvious reason was that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 53 and died eight years later of cancer that had spread from that original site. But maybe the biggest reason for my anxiety was knowing how hard it would be for my sweet hubby to watch me go through it if the test revealed cancer.

 

I don't know how to explain what I was feeling. In one sense, the spiritual sense, I guess, I was totally at peace with the possibility...even probability...that this could be it for me. But we are multi-faceted beings, and my mind was racing with things that I'd want to take care of before leaving this earth.

 

A big one is our financial records. I take care of all the finances for our household, and I do most of it electronically. Doug and I were both single until we were in our forties, and he's very capable of handling that job every bit as well as I. He just doesn't enjoy it as much, which is why I do it. But I would have to get all of the online stuff transferred back to manual and snail mail if I were to expect Doug to step in and take over. He just doesn't do computer, except for an occasional game of Solitaire.

 

I've got an unimaginable number of photos from our life and travels together, but most of them are on the computer. I would want to get those into scrapbooks so that Doug could have something tangible to look at and remember.

 

I was even thinking about what Hospice Home I would want to go to when that time came.

 

And there were thoughts about the details for a funeral service. We have the major parts of our funerals already planned and paid for, but there are things like music and photographs and messages that we want to convey that still need to be worked out.

 

I know that some reading this will think that my Christianity doesn't go very deep if all these thoughts were keeping me awake at night...and they were. Maybe there's some truth to that. But I honestly didn't feel anxiety about dying. It was more about leaving...leaving one sad puppy of a husband...leaving things undone that could make life easier for those left behind.

 

In the course of all that thinking, it occurred to me that I spend way too much time on the computer. Well, I confess that that wasn't a new thought, but it became clearer during my week of sleepless nights. Blogging does take a lot of time that I might better spend doing other things. I'm not sure yet where that train of thought will lead me.

 

Anyway, I just felt the need to share my heart about my experience. Maybe it will help someone else.

 

The day before my re-exam was scheduled, I received a letter from the diagnostic company that does the tests, saying that there was no need to be anxious, that approximately one out of 10 women get called back for a second exam, and that the majority of those show no problem. I thought to myself that it would have been nice if the person who called to set up the appointment for my re-exam had told me that six days earlier.

After the good results of yesterday's re-exam, I told Doug that I thought the scale would weigh a lot lighter the next time I weighed myself. He asked why, and I replied that a big burden had just been lifted. He heartily agreed.