Southern Charm

I had another post in mind for today, but my Flickr photo account says I've used my limit for this month and won't be able to upload more photos until the first of November, unless I upgrade to a paid account. Unwilling to do that, I thought I'd just share this cute story that someone sent me in an e-mail:

 

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well -mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation turned to their children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my word! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well, for example, I learned to say, 'Well, bless your heart.' instead of saying 'Who gives a crap?'"

I Have Some Funny Friends

We met some friends for Sunday lunch after church today. As we sat around the table, catching up on each others' news, one friend asked if we had gotten used to our no-longer-sunken living room yet, recalling the blog post where I told of some of the falls we experienced during the learning curve.

Then our friend told this story about another couple that she and her husband know:

One night, the husband noticed that several flying insects had somehow gotten into the house and were congregating around the ceiling light in the kitchen. The husband grabbed a can of insecticide and aimed it up toward the ceiling light. Mission accomplished. Sometime later, the wife entered the kitchen. The residue of the insect spray had fallen to the kitchen floor, creating an incredibly slick spot in the middle of the kitchen. When the wife hit that spot, her feet flew out from under her; and she landed with a thud.

Her husband came running into the kitchen, looked at his wife on the floor, and said, "What are you doing down there? Get up quick. I think a truck just hit the house!"

Sunday night, we went out with another group of friends following the evening Bible study. One of the ladies told us that, after she and her husband had spent a day with their grandchildren, the grandchildren reported to their mother that Grandma had called Grandpa a bad name. Surprised, the mother asked what the name was. The grandchildren said they couldn't remember but that it had something to do with a washing machine. The mother correctly guessed "Agitator."

Grandpa's new nickname among the friends who heard the story is now "Maytag."

Why Men Should Never Be Depressed

Just think about it, guys...

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can never be pregnant.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
8. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
9. The world is your urinal.
10. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
14. You know stuff about tanks.
15. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
16. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
17. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
18. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
19. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
20. You almost never have strap problems in public.
21. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
22. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
23. You only have to shave your face and neck.
24. You can play with toys all your life.
25. One wallet and one pair of shoes...one color for all seasons.
26. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
27. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
28. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
29. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 25 minutes.

Wart Face

The school dance was underway, but little Amy, afflicted with warts all over her face, was left sitting alone along the wall, with no dance partner. Across the room was young Alex, whose wooden eye had netted him several refusals from the young ladies he had asked to dance. Looking over at Amy, who appeared as forlorn as himself, Alex summoned the courage to try once again to find a girl to dance with him.

Timid and self-conscious because of his wooden eye, he approached Amy. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.

Amy, with her facial warts, was thrilled to be asked. "Would I! Would I!" she cried.

Stunned, Alex blurted out, "Wart Face! Wart Face!"

Construction Crew

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping;"  to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling;" and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while.  I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"  The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom.  You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."

So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.  The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel.  You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.  Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells:  "SUPPLIES!"

Behavior Modification

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was quiet. David feared that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Three Men Captured by Fierce Tribal Warriors

My brother-in-law loves a good joke. He told me this one on the occasion of our first meeting almost 25 years ago, and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. Hope you enjoy it, too. If you don't...well, just chalk it up to my weird sense of humor.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were captured by fierce tribal warriors during America's Wild West days.

The tribal chief came to them and said, "The bad news is that, now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how to die."

The Frenchman said, "I take ze poison." The chief gave him some poison extracted from local berries. The Frenchman cried, "Viva la France!" and drank down the poison.

The Englishman said, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hesitated over that request but decided, if they gave him just one bullet and watched him carefully, he couldn't really do any harm. So he gave him an old pistol. The Englishman pointed it at his head, cried, "God save the queen!", and blew his brains out.

The Texan said, "Gimme a fork." The chief was puzzled, but he shrugged his shoulders and gave him a fork. The Texan took the fork, cried, "Remember the Alamo!", and started jabbing himself repeatedly, all over his body, with the fork.

The chief was appalled and screamed, "What are you doing?"

The Texan looked at the chief and said, defiantly, "See if THIS will float!"

The Walnut

The picture I posted Monday, of a squirrel struggling with a too-large treasure of bread, reminded me of this story that a friend and co-worker once told me.

He was returning to our city after attending meetings at our company’s world headquarters and was driving on a stretch of a U. S. highway that carries a high concentration of truck traffic.

As he drove, something caught his eye on the opposite side of the highway. It looked like a huge walnut. At this point in the story, my co-worker extended his arms into a circle in front of his body to show the size of the object he had seen.

Well, he couldn’t resist going back for a closer look. He quickly pulled his vehicle off to the side of the road and dashed across the four lanes of traffic to where the object lay. Sure enough, it WAS a walnut...the biggest walnut he had ever seen...probably the biggest walnut that ANYONE had ever seen.

Knowing that no one would ever believe such a story without proof, my friend bent down to pick up the walnut. Then, with that giant walnut cradled in his arms, he started back across the four lanes of traffic to where his vehicle was parked.

Just as he crossed the first lane and started into the second, he saw a large truck barreling down on him. He darted back toward the side of the road, but the truck turned slightly and came straight at him. He made a quick move in another direction, and the truck did the same thing. Finally, my friend made it safely back to the side of the road where he had found the walnut.

As he was breathing a sigh of relief at reaching safety and wondering how he was ever going to get that walnut back to his vehicle, the truck came close enough for him to see that the driver was a giant squirrel. 

As the truck came near, it slowed; and the side window opened. As he passed, the truck-driving squirrel called out to my friend, “It’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

Thanks to Hilary at The Smitten Image for including this post as a Post of the Week.

Just for Laughs

I just thought I'd share a little story with you today that might bring a smile to your face. It did to mine.

As a bagpiper, Scotty played many gigs. Recently he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The service was to be at a paupers' cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As Scotty was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost; and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.

Scotty felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. Scotty played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man. And as he played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept; Scotty wept; they all wept together.

When Scotty finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

As he was opening the door to his car, Scotty heard one of the workers say, "Man...I've never seen anything like that before; and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Thanks to Hilary at The Smitten Image for including this post as a Post of the Week.